


perfect destruction

by BUT_theres_a_reason



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: & kara has been through so much, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kara self-harms, Mental Breakdown, Self-Harm, SuperCorp, bc it's always Lena who does in fics, hurting, so since i'm already going to hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-14 18:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16497737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BUT_theres_a_reason/pseuds/BUT_theres_a_reason
Summary: Supergirl will always be the girl of steel. Kara Danvers is the girl with the sunny smiles and kindness. But Kara -just Kara- feels like she's none of those things. She's an orphan, she's a stranger, she's got so much power and yet feels powerless when things go irrevocably wrong. And the only way she knows how to stop these feelings is to have blood pouring out of her system.ORKara self-harms and Lena tries to comfort her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *PLEASE READ THE TAGS*  
> This fic includes grafic description of self-harm and depression-related thoughts, so please take care of yourselves if it triggers any bad feelings for you. 
> 
> This is my first fic and also english isn't my first language so bear with me and let me know what you think!

Kara looked at her reflection in the mirror and cursed under her breath, despising the girl looking back at her. Even with a tear-streaked face, she was perfect. So _fucking_ perfect. She punched the mirror, shattering the glass into a million pieces, hoping to draw blood, but of course, her knuckles came out pristine. Supergirl may always be the girl of steel. Kara Danvers may be the girl with the sunny smiles and kindness. But right now, Kara -just Kara- feelt like she was none of those things. She was an orphan, she was a stranger, she had so much power and yet felt powerless when things went irrevocably wrong. Because today she had been too late, and people had died. They had died under her hands because she couldn't get them all out -too big a building, too many flames. 

She released a breath she didn't realise she was holding, completely deflating with the motion, crumbling to the glass-covered floor. The silent tears became full sobs now as she hugged herself tighter, the weigh of the world on her shoulders. She was so tired of feeling like this. Come to think of it, she was tired of feeling, period. Even without her hightened senses, it was all too intense. Even after years of training to tone noise down, wearing her lead-rimmed glasses to lessen the colours, restraining herself on the ever hyperstimulation, it was her feelings eating her away. The weigh of all those people she couldn't save, those she _could_ save and looked at her like she puts the stars in the sky when all she did was blow them out, all the people in her life that went out of their ways to accomodate her -Alex, Lena, Eliza, the lot of them. She couldn't even begin to fathom how they put up with her, risking their lives just by existing next to her. It was all _too much_. She needed out. 

And the only way she could think of was having blood puring out of her system. 

She super sped to her room, lifted her bed and retrieved the black metal box that she hid beneath it. She had had it engineered by Winn with a safe mechanism coded in Kryptonian, so no one but herself could ever access its contents. Or, better said, its only content. She took a sharp breath as she braced herself for the wave of sickness that was about to take over her, as the can popped open with a simple  _click_ and a green glow washed over the dimly lit room. The Kryptonite crystal flooded her system in a matter of seconds, weakness -mortality- washing over her as she plopped onto the floor, breath staggering. This was the only way to destroy the faux perfection she was made of. Ironically enough, she thought as she laughed listlessly, once she hid the crystal back into its box, all of her wounds would disappear in a matter of minutes, returning her back to that cursed perfection she had come to loathe. The almighty Supergirl, a worthless cutter. She let out another merciless laugh, already dizzy from the effects of the Kryptonite, and she picked up the crystal. She hissed as it burnt her hand, adjusting to the blistering touch, rolled up her sleeve and, with trembling but sure hands, applied pressure until it pierced the skin under her arm. 

The release that came with the blood felt as good as a goddamn orgasm, and with another few swift cuts, she even allowed herself to moan quietly, despicably. The substance was getting to her head faster than she would've liked it to, making her head more light-headed with the minute, at the same time revelling in the hurt that came with it and feeling nauseated by the lot of it. 

She kept drawing blood from a few more cuts, hissing under the sting that came with the Kryptonite but craving the red venom. With her head so dizzy, all she could think about was how goddamned beautiful blood was. And that's when she heard the door open.

"Kara, I'm home!"

Her startled jump came delayed, as she was sure she was minutes away from passing out, and the panic started to kick in. Even with tear-coated eyes, she was sure the scene was a complete mess, her clothes covered in blood that hadn't yet stopped flowing, but she wasjust physically incapable of moving, too affected by, well, honestly, everything. 

"Kara? Darling, are you in there?" Lena called, her voice getting closer to the bedroom. "God these shoes are killing m- _ohmygod Kara_ ".

Lena rushed to her side, kneeling in front of her, hovering her hands all over Kara without actually daring to touch her. She eyed the fluorescent crystal and tried to pry it away from Kara's hands, but her grip was iron clad.

"Kara", she muttered, just loud enough for Kara to hear her, "Kara, baby, give me the crystal, please". She covered Kara's hands with hers, trying to reach her, but the poison had already taken its toll and Kara simply stared through her, not really seeing her.

"Kara?", she insisted, raising her voice just a tad, trying to get her to make eye contact. "Kara, open your hand, please. I've got you". 

The last words seemed to stir something in Kara, as she blinked and looked at her, as if seeing her for the first time. She frowned, as is going over the words said to her, and looked back at her hand, eyeing the Kryptonite she was so desperately holding onto. Slowly but steadily, she shook her hand open, releaving the glowing gem. Lena wasted no time and yanked it away from her, stuffing it into the box it had come from and tossing it as far from them as she could. With the green light gone, the room became lit only by the setting sun, bathing the room in red tones Lena knew reminded Kara of her birth planet. 

Kara's mind started to clear, and she took the scene in for the first time, still a little cloudy. Lena was kneeling beside her, eyes full of panic, as she took Kara's face into her hands and wiped away the tears that coated her cheeks. Kara's heart sunk into her ribcage as she honed in on Lena's voice, unwavering even in the face of chaos.

"Kara, can you hear me, baby? Nod to me if you can". Kara did as she was asked, unable to speak. "That's good, darling, that's very good", Lena continued. She knew better than to stop talking once she had managed to get Kara's attention, so she tread on quietly but surely. She took in her wounds as she muttered words of comfort, trying Kara to cooperate as the effects of the Kryptonite washed off. There were a few deep cuts, from which blood was still lazily oozing, but the rest of them -and there was a scary amount of them- were just swift scratches, mostly dry by now. 

"Kara, I'm going to go get some antiseptic, okay?". Kara nodded once, sniffing, and she sprinted to the kitchen to get the emergency kit she kept at Kara's (initially she had bought it for herself, given the whole girl-of-steel situation, but after the first of Kara's episodes, she was never getting rid of it). Once she soaked the gauze with desinfectant, she kneeled down again, a little less shaken with every second she saw Kara's wounds close in by themselves. 

"This is going to sting a little, yeah?". She applied the dressing over the bigger slices that she knew were going to take a little longer to regenerate, and tried to placate Kara when she hissed at the contact. "I know, baby, I'm sorry it hurts, but we need to do this". Kara bobbed more than nodded her head in a defeated manner, still sniffing her non-stopping tears away. 

"I'm sorry", she gurgled, her voice hoarse and broken.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Kara, darling, it's okay, you're okay now", Lena vowed, carefully rubbing the gauze haphazardly all over her arms now. She wiped a few more tears off her lover's face and discarded the bandages. "Lets get you on the bed, come on", she pulled Kara up with her, her legs wobbly, and she adjusted herself on the bed so she was able to gently rock her beneath her hug.

She cleared Kara's hair from her face, carefully tugging loose curls behind her ears, at the same time caressing her face and peppering absent-minded kisses on her temple. Kara's sobs finally died down, holding onto Lena for dear life, as Lena lulled her with a bleeding heart. 

When Kara finally quieted down, all the remains of the Kryptonite now gone and fully aware of her rotting self, Lena finally spoke up, her voice merely a whisper.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

She felt Kara shrink in on herself, and Lena tightened her grip. After a prolonged silence, when Lena wasn't sure she was ever going to get an answer, Kara finally reacted.

"I- I'm sorry".

"What is it you're sorry about, darling?"

"I- they-", Kara's voice broke off, clearly at a loss for words, so Lena tried to push a little further, treading however carefully.

"Is this about the building on fire you saved today?"

At the mention of the event, Kara squirmed, a whimper escaping her throat. Lena knew she was being spot on. 

"Kara, you saved people today, a lot of them".

At that, something stirred in Kara as she turned somewhat harshly to face Lena, eyes still blood shot from crying. "People died, Lena. They died because of _me_ ".

She hated talking to Lena like that, felt herself spit out the words and despised her entire soul for taking it out on Lena when it was all her fault. Nonetheless, Lena merely blinked back at her, not even a bit taken aback by her biting words, and covered her cheek with her hand.

"People are alive _because_ of you, Kara", she leaned in to rest their foreheads together, "If you hadn't been there, no one would be alive, but you stopped that".

"It wasn't good enough", Kara bit, hiding her face from Lena's. 

Lena turned Kara's face back to her and placed a sound kiss on her forehead. "It was your best, wasn't it, darling?".

At that, Kara wavered. It was. She  _had_ done her best, she always did. Lena smiled against her skin, fully aware that she had hit a soft spot. Her Kara always did her best, always did what was right, even if it destroyed her to pieces, cost her everything.

Kara sighed heavily, deflating back into Lena's steady arms. She caught Lena peeking over her head to look at her arms, which made her look too only to confirm what they both suspected -her skin was looking immaculate again, no sight of the wounds that coated her minutes earlier. Kara sighed deeply again, to which Lena responded with a tug.

"That sounded disappointed".

"Is it awful if I say that I am?", Kara replied, after a pause. 

Lena hesitated. "It's not awful, but it... does surprise me, I guess. Why would you want to have scars?". It wasn't an accusation, it was just a plain honest question, and that's what she conveyed, so that Kara didn't feel attacked. Not only did Kara absolutely  _not_ need that right now, but she wouldn't even dream of judging Kara -or anyone, for that matter- on anything involving her own body.

Kara adjusted herself on the bed, sitting up a bit so they were both at the same height, even though she wasn't looking at Lena but rather at her own feet. With another heavy sigh that Lena would die to turn into buckets of love and understanding, Kara finally spoke.

"I don't... like being perfect".

Lena frowned. "I don't understand".

"Nothing on this Earth can hurt me", Kara said, looking at her this time, blue eyes piercing right into her soul. "Save for Kryptonite, which isn't even  _from_ this Eath, I am indestructible. Everyone ever sees is...", her voice trailed off.

"Perfection?"

Kara nodded, a frown upon her face. "It sounds stupid, and selfish, and I _know_ that I'm not perfect, but it's what it feels like everyone expects me to be, and I-", she blurted out, her breath catching and starting to hyperventilate, and Lena took her hands.

"I understand, Kara".

"What?"

"I said I understand. You have been through so much and everyone expects so highly from you, sometimes without considering what it might cost you because of who you are and what you can do. I get that". 

With that, Kara looked at her like she hung the stars in the sky, marvelled and completely speechless at how Lena always managed to  _get her_ , and her heart grows several sizes, aching with love. Her eyes welled up and Lena all but let out an exasperated "Kara!", as she burried her head into her chest. 

"I love you, Lena Luthor", Kara whispered into her shirt. 

"I love you too, my darling", Lena replied, placing a kiss to her temple.

"Can we go to sleep? Please".

"Yes. But tomorrow we're gonna have to talk about this, okay?", when she felt Kara nod against her, she continued, "Will you let me get rid of the Kryptonite?".

Kara stilled for a second, then said "Not yet. Please". She felt Lena frown. She couldn't explain why but she needed to have it close, have it available, even if she didn't use it. "I promise I won't use it again, just let me keep it until I'm ready, please". 

"Okay", Lena finally concedes. "Until you're ready". 

"I'm sorry".

"It's okay. I've got you now. I promise you're gonna get better, we'll work it out together.  _El mayara_ ".

Kara's eyes welled up again at the sound of her mother tounge. It's not much that Lena had learned to say in Kryptonian since they started dating, but it always made her feel a pang of bittersweetness in her chest. 

"Stronger together", she whisperes back.

They had to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna add more introspection into Kara's trauma, but honestly I ended losing track of my own thoughts and that's where it got me. I would consider writing a second chapter to give this the closure it deserves, so let me know if y'all would like that or not. 
> 
> I think it's interesting to consider Kara be the one who self-harms as she's always so composed and perfect for everyone else. Given all the trauma she has endured, and even though it might be a little ooc, i think it makes somewhat sense. 
> 
> I didn't really write this to the song, but you can listen to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls if you want to add some soundtrack to this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I finally decided to add another chapter to this little rough adventure of mine, i hope you enjoy it just as much. Buckle up because it's gonna be an emotional one.
> 
> Picks up right where it left.

Morning light washed over the apartment as Kara still slept, drained from the previous night's events. Lena, on the other hand, hadn't been able to get much sleep, not having had the chance to change out of her work clothes and wanting to keep an eye on Kara every once in a while to make sure she was safe. With an arm draped heavily over her, Kara had clung to her like a lifesaver all night, Lena whispering comforting words whenever she felt her stir underneath her. Once dawn had started to break over the city, she crawled out of Kara's grip to retrieve her phone from her purse in the living room. Checking that Kara was still sound asleep, she quickly discarded her clothes and changed into something more comfortable, phone in hand, and went back to bed where Kara quickly recovered her former position. She placed a gentle kiss over her temple, tugging away a loose strand of golden hair, and unlocked her phone.

 **[L. Luthor]:** _**Alex, are you up? It's about Kara** _

The response came almost immediately. 

**[Alex Danvers]: _What's wrong_**

**[L. Luthor]: _Kara had an episode last night. Couldn't write earlier._**

**[Alex Danvers]: _Is she okay?_**

**[L. Luthor]: _She is now. Talked her down, all wounds healed. She slept through the rest of the night._**

**[Alex Danvers]: _Thank you, Lena. I'm glad she has you. I'll call later. Keep me posted_**

**[L. Luthor]: _Will do. Gtg she's waking up._**

Lena tossed her phone on the nightstand before Kara fully came to, begining to stir out of unconsciousness. She accomodated her so that she was shielding her from the rest of the world, covers pulled up to their chins, propped on one shoulder and encircling her middle with the other, when Kara finally opened her eyes. They were still somewhat swollen from all the crying, but the distinct blue of the House of El stood out like it was the only colour in the world, everything else a dull range of grey in comparison. Right now, however, they seemed to harvest all the sadness in the universe. 

"Good morning, sweatheart".

Kara gave her a little melancholic smile. Still drowsed by sleep, she seemed so fragile between Lena's protective arms. It felt almost ridiculous that this girl right there was the strongest person on Earth and that Lena was the puny human, as Kara sometimes teased her. If only she could take away all her pain and make her feel all of the love everyone had for her. She tried, nonetheless, to convey that as best as she could sealing her feelings with a tender kiss to her lips. 

Kara could remember exactly how their first kiss had been, but every touch always felt like a first with Lena. She took Lena's lips between hers, soaking in the love she was trying to pour over her and she just let her. The kiss was heavy-hearted, throbbing with pain, and yet both of them revelled in the magic of the contact, soft lips talking without words, two worlds coming together if only ever briefly. 

"I love you, Kara", Lena said, breaking the kiss, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Kara's own eyes watering, she engulfed Lena in a hug, as hard as she could without actually hurting her, restraining her fully restored strength. She remembered how terrifying and menacing everything had felt when she had solar-flared, but in moments like these she wished she was purely human so she could pour her soul into hugging lena. "I'm sorry about last night", she murmured, face buried into the crook of Lena's neck.

"We said there was nothing to apologise for", Lena replied, breaking the embrace to look at her properly. "But", she continued, "we did agree on a conversation today". 

Kara sighed, wringing her hands. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet, the memory of the Kryptonite still running through non-existing scars that would never come to be. As if reading her mind, though, Lena propped herself up and got out of bed. "I know you're not ready yet, so I'm gonna make breakfast and we can talk about it later, okay?".

Kara looked at her with infinite gratitude in her eyes, Lena breaking into a warm smile as she left the bedroom for the kitchen. Kara heard her rattle with kitchen supplies and hum to an easy tune -something she knew Lena did to soothe her, knowing how she would listen in on her when she was upset. One of the good things her super senses had was being able to listen to Lena's heartbeat, the way it thudded strongly against her chest, picking up a pace whenever Kara drew her close. 

A new wave of sadness and guilt washed over her as she took in the morning scene for the first time since waking up. Lena's work clothes lay on the floor and Kara barely remembered her sleeping in them, adding remorse to her already bleeding heart. On the floor by the side of the bed lay the only actual proof of the previous night's event -gauzes covered in dry blood. She bent over to pick one up, carefully examining it from her lap. She felt her heart rate pick up with the sight of the rusty-coloured blood, her pulse banging on her ears, unsure of what exactly to feel. Because, if she was being honest, she felt like a fucking hurricane. Guilt seemed to be the predominant emotion, but strangely enough there was no regret, no wanting to go back and undo the mess she barely even had proof of now. It wasn't the first time she had self-harmed, and even though there was always a deafening  _shame_ to it the morning after, she always managed to find the sweet to all the bitter in her chest. She believed it was because she was unbreakable that drawing blood from herself felt like the only thing she could have control over. After all, her whole life had been a mess of uncontrollable havoc wreaking aroung her. From Krypton dying to finding out her parents weren't the heroes she thought they were, learning that they had _lied_ to her and left her whole world to die with them, passing on too big a responsibility for a twelve year old. And despite having managed to control the crippling nightmares of being in the phantom zone, she could never shake off the feeling of abandonment that soaked her bones after Clark left her off with the Danvers. She had been sent after him to protect him, and even though she ended being the one who needed protection, who needed a loving and understanding family, Clark -her cousin Kal-El-, had abandoned her and flown off. Which of course led her to the Danvers. Because for years she had tried to understand what Clark had done, why he would drop her off like a ragged doll with some strangers and ask them to, what, be nice to her and accomodate her into a  _whole new planet_. And she really did get it, because the Danvers had been - _were_ \- everything to her. Eliza had adopted her like she was her own, and Alex, rebelious teenage Alex, had taken her hand and had never to this day let go. So perhaps, she thought, her biggest remorse came from her being responsible for Jeremiah's disappearance, from Alex being disfavoured by her own mum and being constantly pushed so she would take care of Kara, leading Alex to give up her own life - _I gave up a medical carreer to join the DEO for you!_

How could she not hate herself when all she did was hurt the people she loved the most? Even if she was ready and had actually decided to die for those people, it seemed like her choices only put them in more pain. 

Spiraling down her frenzied trail of thought as she was, she didn't hear Lena come in (even though she'd never stopped honing in on her heartbeat).

"Kara, darling, breakfast is ready". 

She gave Lena a sad little smile, dragging herself out of bed right back into Lena's arms. "You smell of pancakes", she said, earning her a heart-felt laughter from the brunette.

"Always the romantic, Kara Zor-El".

At the sound of her birth name, Kara tugged her a little closer, weirdly hiding her face on the crook of Lena's neck, as she was actually taller than her. Lena's chest bubbled with laugher. She took Kara's hand and lead them to the kitchen aisle, where the freshly baked pancakes lay on a plate, mapple syrup coating their sides. Seeing as Kara hadn't eaten anything the previous day, her stomach gave in, and she tore through the mix, if only a tad slower than Lena was used to witnessing. Lena sat beside her sipping on her coffe -black, no sugar-, and as was expected, every time Kara glanced up at her, looking at Kara with _so much_ affection in her eyes, her apetite wore down until her stomach closed in on itself. How the hell had she dragged Lena into this mess? Her anxiety spiking again, she only realised how riled up she was when Lena let out a high-pitched  _whoop!_ and she realised she had split her fork in two. 

She dropped the broken metal on the counter and muttered a sheepish "sorry". For all of a response, Lena merely fished out a new piece of cutlery for her, throwing away the busted fork, which did nothing but aggravate the guilt that was eating her away at the seams. She felt her eyes begin to watter. 

"I'm so sorry", Kara said, breaking down into a fit of sobs. "I'm sorry I'm so unfair to you and I'm sorry you have to deal with me like I'm some stupid child-".

"Kara, darling", she cut in, "I'm doing this because I love you, and I don't want you to ever feel sorry for feeling the things you do". 

"But-".

"But nothing", she sentenced. "Baby, being here is all I can do for you and, trust me, I wish I could do so much more than that". Lena took Kara's hands into hers, both of them feeling powerless. "I know it's nothing compared to what you've been through, but I can only try to understand by relating to my own history".

They'd been through this. Kara knows. It wasn't a competition, she had told Lena one time, her traumas were real too. All in all, she let Lena continue.

"After my mom died, moving in with the Luthors, it all moved at an incredibly fast pace. I didn't even realise I couldn't remember my mom's face anymore until I was having a drunken mental breakdown on the anniversary of her death, years later. I remember how lonely it was, and I think about how alone you must have felt, and-", she choked up a little bit, pausing to gather herself. "And I'm just... so grateful that we found each other when we did, when we were both lost and new to part of the world. We saved each other, and that's what girlfriends do. We fight for each other, and sometimes that means giving a little extra for the other person, don't you think?".

She hugs Kara softly, lets her fist up her hands into her shirt.

"But this...", Kara finally whispered, "this is too much, Lena". 

"Now that's not fair, is it", Lena retorted, dumbfounding Kara.

"What?"

"I am a grown woman, Kara. I am perfectly capable of deciding what is or isn't enough for me. And," she pressed as she made eye contact with Kara, "I officially declare that what happened last night isn't too much for me and that I want to be by your side to face it, as long as you'll have me". 

Kara didn't know what else to do but to look at Lena like she harvested the whole universe within her, only hoping that she could somehow convey all the unequivocal _respect_ and  _love_ that she had for her with just a simple look. Tears ran loosely down her cheeks, which Lena then caught with her own hands, kissing her eyelids away and giving her the time to wind down again. Kara felt stupid with how much she was crying, but she also didn't have it in her to care. All that mattered were Lena's words, that she wanted her even like this, and that's all she needed to want to get better.

"I will always protect you", Kara said, repeating the words she had voiced so many months ago when it had been Lena's turn to grieve. "I promise". 

"Even from your sister?".

That managed to get a chuckle out of Kara, waving her hair out of her face and groaning in faux desperation. "You told her, didn't you".

"She's your big sister".

Kara sighed. "I know. I just don't want her to worry". She adjusted her position on the kitchen stool, propping herself up with an elbow. "I don't think anyone could be protected from Alex, though".

Lena grinned, content to drop the topic for the time being. "I don't doubt it". 

And even though she was going to have to  _really_ talk to her sister about her mess of a mental state, looking at Lena looking at her, she knew she was going to be alright after all. She would try. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's basically 1.30am and I'm emotionally and phisically exausted. For the time being this will be the end of the work, but if any of you feel like i should continue it or have any ideas that you'd like me to develop, I'm always happy to read your comments.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara talks to Alex and they try to figure out a few things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess WHAT bitches. I've become addicted to this story and i felt like it needed a very much due Danvers Sisters' talk. So here it is. 
> 
> I wrote this to Skinny Love by Birdie, Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down and Viva Voce by the Rocketboys.

A few hours after breakfast, after practising some breathing excercises Alex had taught her, Kara managed to pull herself together enough to convince Lena to leave for work -the CEO had already asked Jess to cancel all her morning meetings, which didn't exactly help lessen Kara's guilt, despite her being grateful. They hadn't talked much after her morning breakdown, just cuddling on the couch to the sound of an old sitcom. That was, until Alex texted. 

"Is that Alex?", Kara asked, somewhat sleepy, peeking over to look at Lena's phone.

Lena merely nodded, typing away her reply, and Kara knew better than to ask what was being written, even if curiosity tried to get the best of her. She patiently waited until Lena was done with the exchange and tossed her phone back on the couch, facing Kara. 

"Am I in trouble?", Kara inquired, lazily hugging Lena. 

That earned her a chuckle from the brunette, who tussed her hair playfully.

"Of course you're not in trouble, darling. She just wants to know if you're okay with going over to her place or if she should come here instead".

Kara pouted as she meditated her response. On the one hand, leaving the house felt like an impossible task right now, but she knew she should gather herself and get back out there -she still didn't believe there hadn't been a Supergirl emergency yet, but she wasn't about to complain about it. She still felt like she had solar-flared, not so much due to the Kryptonite but simply emotional drain, even if the little voice inside of her was poking at her insides to get her to get her shit together and back to work. Lena had also called James to tell her she wouldn't be making it to CatCo today, but oh god, she had so much work to do it gave her a headache just thinking about it. Lena nudged her out of her thoughts just as she was starting to spiral down the rabbit hole, a raised brow upon her face. 

"Right", Kara babbled, shaking her thoughts away. "Um... I think it would be better if she came over here. I'm not quite ready yet to get out there". She wringed her hands as she spoke, visibly distraught, to which Lena responded by taking them into her own hands, drawing soothing circles over the blonde's knuckles. She took a deep breath and sighed, a little more energy to her words this time, "I'll take a shower and change into fresh clothes".

That seemed to satisfy Lena, who gave her a full smile and nudged her again, pulling a sheepish smile out of Kara as well.

"Look at you, talking like a grown-up". Kara chuckled at that, rolling her eyes and getting off the couch, pulling Lena up with her. 

"You are a meanie and you need to get to work", she said, spinning Lena on her heels towards the bedroom.

Lena feigned offense, "Is this because I'm a Luthor?".

That managed to get her a fit of giggles from Kara, who smacked her mischievously on the arm. "You are impossible", she said. 

Lena winked and dove into the shower to get ready for the day, humming her little songs again so Kara could listen in.

* * *

After having checked multiple times that Kara was okay with her leaving for the day, and promising to write every hour on the dot, Lena finally left for work, covering Kara in kisses before exiting the door. Kara deflated a little after Lena left, all the emotions still prickling on her skin, gnawing away on her insides. However, she had promised Lena she'd clean herself up before Alex arrived, so she gathered her thoughts and padded to the bathroom, still somewhat foggy after Lena's impossibly hot shower. Drawn on the mirror was a little smiley face, and Kara smiled to herself as she thanked Rao for all of the ways Lena took care of her, only hoping that she was at least half as thoughtful as the brunette. Stripping her clothes, she finally got into the shower, allowing a little moan to escape her throat as warm water poured all over her. She stood under the shower head a little longer than necessary, letting the water wash away all her troubles, leaving her raw-skinned again. Eventually, she stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in the biggest towel she could find, even managed to brush her teeth as she made a mental note to thank Lena for the doodle on the mirror when she texted her. 

The shower had certainly improved her mood, and even though she wasn't feeling up to wearing a sundress, she did her best to manage a comfortable but well-put look, throwing on some clean jeans with a blue button down shirt and an oversized brown cardigan on top of it all. She even put on her glasses, if only to feel as close to normal as possible, and texted Lena a pic of her final looks. 

**[Lee <3]:  _You look lovely_**

**[Kara Danvers]: _Thank you for the smiley friend on the mirror, we are now best friends_**

**[Lee <3]:  _I thought_ I _was your best friend_**

**[Kara Danvers]: _You're my girlfriend, dummy_**

**[Lee <3]:  _Isn't that what friends are for?_**

**[Kara Danvers]: _You're impossible._**

_**I love you.** _

**[Lee <3]:  _Love you too, K_**

Kara revelled with the simple exchange, already wanting to get better so she could thank Lena properly with an extra special date or something. She also marvelled at how Lena always managed to bring up the best in her, the ever troubled heir of the Luthors, putting nothing but good into this world, no matter how much it cost her, how much of a pariah she was believed to be. Kara believed that was exactly what had drawn her to the brunette in the first place, the ways in which she understood Kara, how she could relate to everyone expecting so much from her without ever giving anything in return. How could Kara not have fallen in love with her? Well, besides her killer looks, that was. 

A knock on the door shook her out of her abstraction. Peering above her glasses, she checked it was her sister behind the door. Kara cleared her throat and gathered her spirits, confidently (or at least, pretending to be) walking to greet Alex. She stood pursing her lips, paper bag in hand with which Kara figured were food treats to cheer her up. Alex's frown lines dissolved into a warm smile as Kara opened the door, embracing her with a quippy "So I brought donut holes..." that made Kara smile -she wasn't going to admit how very  _not_ hungry she was right now. 

"Hey Alex", she greeted, taking her sister's embrace if only a little stiffer than she used to. 

Alex left the bag over on the counter, pursing her lips again in that cute lopsided way she would pull when she was unsure what to say. "Kara...", she begun, treading carefully.

"No, please", Kara cut, raising a hand. "I... I think I need to go first". 

Alex looked at her with worried eyes, yet nodded, and lead them both to the couch, passing Kara a cushion to hug on to. Kara somehow tried to disentangle her thoughts in the few seconds it took them to accomodate, not having really thought her speech through. 

"I know I promised I'd never do it again after last time", she said, her voice merely a whisper. "I know I said I would tell you if it got bad again, but after everything with Maggie and Jeremiah, I-, I didn't want to give you yet another reason to worry about me". Her voice trailed off, staring at her hands. "You've had it bad enough already because of me".

At that, Alex stirred closer to her. "Kara, there is absolutely nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you. You are my sister, no matter what, and I-".

"But that's what I'm talking about!", Kara cried, visibly agitated. Alex backed off slowly, frowning.

"I don't want you to just be ready to drop everything you're doing to take care of me", Kara went on, her trademark crinkle firm upon her brow. "I want you to have a  _life_ , Alex".

Alex placed a placating hand over Kara's forearm, squeezing lightly.

"I already have a life, Kara, and you're a part of it. You can't stop me from loving you and that comes attached to a decent amount of worry, especially when your sister fights aliens for a job". Kara didn't look satisfied with her words, looking at her with such puppy eyes Alex's heart threatened to melt. 

"But-"

"Would you act any different?"

"What?", Kara blinked.

"Would you ever not care about me? Haven't you always dropped anything when I needed you?", Alex tread on, squinting her eyes in that way she did when she talked about something fiercely. It managaed to render Kara speechless. 

"It's not the same", she finally muttered.

"Why not?"

"Because," Kara said, exasperation tinting her voice, "you never had a choice to care about me, Alex, I was... imposed to you, and you have given up  _so_ much already, I just, I feel like I keep holding you back".

Alex took a deep breath. "We've been through this", she said.

"That doesn't change the fact that you have".

"No", Alex conceded, "it doesn't. But I can't undo the decisions I've already made, and right now, I wouldn't change it for the world. Believe it or not, I am happy, Kara. I am happy with the way my life has turned out and you've played a big part on that. I don't understand why that would make you do... those horrible things to yourself", she added, after a pause. 

Whenever Alex brought up her unruly vices, Kara always tensed up, a wave of self-preservation washing over her as she put up walls of protection around her heart. 

"I don't- I- We've talked about this", she stuttered, twisting her hands to the point of pain.

Alex all but leapt from her seat, startling her sister, her patience begining to waver.

"We've talked about this but I still don't understand how you even managed to steal more Kryptonite", she spat before she could swallow her words. 

Kara felt like she had been slapped, disbelief covering her features. She rose on her feet as well, coming to eye level with Alex.

" _What?_ That's what you're worried about, how I weasled a stupid crystal out of your precious DEO?"

"It's supposed to be under my watch, Kara! What do you expect me to do, am I supposed to be just fine with anyone stealing shit from me, stuff that can  _kill_ you?", Alex began to raise her voice.

"I am not  _anyone_ ", Kara seethed, towering over her sister. "I am Kara Zor-El, the last daughter of Krypton and I could  _crush_ any of you in a heartbeat if I wanted to. There shouldn't be any Kryptonite stored in the first place, but still tou kept it, and now that I want some it's some kind of inconvenience?". It was almost starting to scare her, how riled up she was getting, her heat vision lurking behind her eyes. 

"Do you even hear yourself? You really don't see why you stashing contraband Kryptonite under your bed is a  _bad_ thing?", Alex should've known better than to further provoke her sister right now, but fear had already gotten the best of her and between the weigh of directing the DEO and protecting Kara, she was too far gone to back up. "Oh and by the way? You hadn't even told me that you had it under your bed, because I always have to find out from Lena instead of you". 

Again, her sister's words felt like a slap accross the face, and now Kara was fuming. 

"Excuse me? I didn't  _call_ Lena, she  _found_ me when she came home! Do you-", she stammered, anger tighting in on her chest, "Do you really think I'm proud of what I did? I didn't tell you because I was phisically incapable of doing _anything_ , Alex, I was almost passed out from the only substance that can kill me when Lena found me". 

Alex took a step back with the confession, choked up, tears prickling in her eyes, and that made Kara deflate. "She didn't tell you that, did she?", she muttered, sagging. Alex shook her head no and engulfed her into a hug, chest tighting with dread. She should've done things differently, should've taught Kara to protect her feelings instead of asking her to lock them away in order to save the world, she should've forced her to hit pause for a minute and really sort out her troubled thoughts before it got to this. She definitely shouldn't be crying into her sister's shoulder when Kara was the one who needed comfort. 

"I'm sorry", she sniffed, "I'm so sorry I didn't create an environment where you felt you could talk about this". 

"You always encouraged me to talk about everything, Alex", Kara said, "I just... I think I sealed those emotions away because they scared me and I didn't understand them until I... until I finally self-harmed". Even saying the words out loud made her flinch. 

Kara led them back to the couch and sighed. 

"I know it's difficult to understand. I... I myself didn't understand until after the first time I did it". She paused. "It feels silly, but it's the only way I know how to block everything out. There only thing that scares me enough to forget about everything else is Kryptonite, and... And sometimes it's just too much. My mind", she waved her hands around her head, "is full of threats and nightmares that I'm gonna lose you or Lena, get everyone hurt by being too overconfindent, and yesterday, with the building...", her voice trailed off.

Alex squeezed her hands. "There was no way you could've saved a hundred civilians from a fire like that, Kara, not even Supergirl can do that". 

"But so many people died...".

"I know. But you saved so many as well. You did that. No one else could've". 

Kara's voice caught in her throat, choking up. "I don't know how to not feel all of these things". She finally let her tears loose, contorting her face into a painful expression. 

"We're gonna have to work on that", Alex said, placing one arm over her shoulders. "But", she added, "I gotta say, I'm really glad you have Lena. It makes me a little jealous, but I can see how you make each other better". 

Kara smiled despite herself. "I love her so much, Alex". 

"God, I know, you too are insufferable", Alex groaned, breaking into a grin when Kara belly laughed.

"I should probably text her, tell her I'm fine. She's as much a controller as you are".

"You're good for each other". Alex rose, padding to the kitchen counter to retrieve the pastries she had brought. "Fancy some?".

Kara smiled a toothy grin, super-speeding towards the bag. There was so much work for her to do, but this was a good start, she thought. 

She texted Lena a selfie of Alex and her eating donut holes, and when the response came moments later -a black heart emoji, Luthor trademark-, she felt a weigh lift off of her chest. 

Her journey was never going to be easy. But maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be so terrible with her two favourite people by her side. And as she tore through her share of food, Alex whining about getting the smaller half, she felt like she would be just fine. She had lost her planet, her family, had gone to hell and back, but she'd found a new home, a new sense of belonging, a better reason to be  _stronger together_. 

Alex had barely registered the  _ping_ of her DEO phone when Kara was already flying out the window, a confident beam accross her face. 

"Go get them, Supergirl". 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride, friends! I am quite satysfied with how things turned out, so this will be the final chapter. It has been a wonderful (albeit short) journey with these three, and I have loved exploring Kara's darker side. I am always open to suggestions and headcanons, you can find me on twitter (@rhizo__) and tumblr (buttheresareason.tumblr.com).  
> As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the comments xx


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